The truth is, addiction is a progressive illness and, no matter how hard I tried to keep it in check, it was always a step in front of me. After my last overdose, I realised I had hit my bottom line. I couldn’t control it anymore and I knew that if I didn’t stop for good, I would end up dead. But even then, within a week I found myself obsessing over using again. I went to my kitchen and I did. I used again – the same drug, from the same batch. That’s when I knew I was in real trouble.
“I felt completely alone with my thoughts and knew that this was it for me – I had to get clean for good, but I just couldn’t do it on my own. “
I didn’t want to be called a druggie anymore, and I wanted out of this cycle for good. I knew that I needed structure and routine, combined with proper education to help support me in putting the drugs down and keeping them down.
In sheer desperation, I called Arrow Health. After speaking to one of the staff on the phone, for one of the first times in what felt like forever, I felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe I really could do this, get clean, stay clean, and actually be happy.
First Day Nerves
When I arrived at Arrow Health I was a bundle of nerves. I was hopeful but also terrified. What if I wasn’t strong enough? What if I failed just like every time before?
The staff greeted me with such warmth. They made me feel welcome and most importantly, cared about. I wasn’t just another case or an addict to them. They genuinely seemed invested in my recovery which helped ease some of my anxiety. I could tell they understood what I was going through, with many of them having actually been in my shoes themselves.
A Calming Start
The day started with a morning meditation group. We talked about what the word of the day meant to us, and did some simple breathing exercises. It was a gentle way to begin, and I actually felt calm for the first time in a long while.
Later, we had a group session on anger. That’s when I learned something that totally changed my perspective – anger is stress. It made so much sense once I heard it, but I had never made that connection before. I also learned that depression is what happens when I turn the anger inward. It clicked for me. I realised I had more options than bottling it all up, pretending it’s not there, or physically hurting others and myself. The alternative however, is learning to just sit with my feelings, even when they are uncomfortable. This is something I’ve never been able to do. Whenever I couldn’t handle my emotions, that’s when I would run straight to drugs.
“I’ve learned that my feelings are valid, and I am entitled to feel them.“
Mixed Emotions
By the end of the day I was feeling a whirlwind of emotions. On one hand, I was scared. Scared of feeling everything so intensely, scared that I might not have what it really takes to change. Will I be able to handle this? Or am I going to crumble under the pressure and just run back to the drugs and what I know.
On the other hand, I felt seen and supported. The staff at Arrow Health were there for me. They understood what I was going through, not just because they were professionals, but because many of them were also in recovery from addiction themselves. It was comforting. I didn’t have to explain myself, they just got it.
The program is structured, but not overwhelming. Arrow Health are mindful of creating a relaxed environment while still keeping things on track. I appreciate that. I’ve never been able to manage life before, and get too overwhelmed when things are all “go, go, go”.
I still don’t have all the answers, but I’m looking forward to seeing what tomorrow brings. I am glad to say that I am clean today.