This post is for families who are ready to have that conversation and want to do it in a way that gives it the best possible chance of being heard.
Why this conversation is so difficult
Before you can have the conversation well, it helps to understand why it’s hard.
When someone is physically dependent on alcohol or other substances, they aren’t simply making a lifestyle choice they could reverse with enough willpower. Their nervous system has adapted to the presence of that substance. Stopping, even when they want to can be frightening, painful, and in some cases genuinely dangerous without medical support.
They likely already know something is wrong. They may feel shameful about it. They might be bracing for judgement from those closest to them.
For families the driver is usually fear. Fear they’re going to get hurt, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear that pushing too hard will push them away.
As Julie Lieber said in Episode One of our podcast Beyond the Noise – “When someone is in active addiction and you’re challenging them, you become the enemy. You’re driven by fear and you think you’re helping, but they they actually need is for you to put your hand down and just be there.”
It doesn’t mean staying silent, it just means choosing how you show up.
Before you have the conversation
Get informed first
Understanding what your loved one is going through makes a real difference to how you speak about it. Withdrawal from alcohol or benzodiazepines isn’t just uncomfortable, it can be medically serious. Seizures, severe agitation, and delirium are real risks. Read more about why medical support makes all the difference. Knowing this helps you talk about medical detox not as a punishment or an ultimatum but as a safety issue.
Choose your moment carefully
Don’t approach the conversation when they’re already under the influence, when you’re angry, or when either of you is exhausted or pressed for time. Look for a calm window where you’re both relatively settled.
Know what you’re asking for
Be clear in your own mind about what you’re suggesting. You’re not asking them to stop forever in this moment. You’re asking them to take one step, talking to a professional about whether medical detox is right for them. That’s a much smaller ask, and it’s an honest one too.
Consider getting support for yourself first
Arrow Health’s Family Support program is available to families before, during, and after their loved one’s treatment. Speaking with a family therapist before the conversation can help you prepare and process your own fear and frustration so it doesn’t drive the discussion.
How to start the conversation
There is no perfect script, but there are approaches that tend to open doors rather than close them.
Lead with love, not alarm: Open with what you care about, not what you’re frightened of. “I love you and I’m worried about you” lands differently than “You need to stop before something terrible happens.” Both may be true, however one invites defensiveness.
Use observations, not accusations: Describe what you have seen without labelling or diagnosing. “I’ve noticed you haven’t been sleeping and I can see you’re not yourself” is different from “You have a problem and you need to admit it.” The first is something they can sit with, the second is something they need to fight.
Acknowledge that stopping is frightening: Many people who are physically dependent on alcohol or other substances aren’t just continuing because they want to. They are continuing because stopping on their own feels impossible, painful, or dangerous. Saying “I understand that stopping is scary and I want us to find a way to make it safe” changes the nature of the conversation entirely.
Separate the person from the behaviour: You can be direct about your concern without attacking who they are. The goal isn’t to make them feel worse about themselves, it’s to give them a reason that things can be different.
What to say about medical detox specifically
Many people don’t know that withdrawal from certain substances requires medical management. They assume that getting help means going cold turkey or that detox is something that happens in a harsh clinical environment. Neither is true.
You might say something like:
“I’ve been doing some reading and I didn’t realise how much support is available. Medical detox isn’t about going through it alone and white-knuckling it. It’s a proper medical process where doctors and nurses manage the physical side of it so it’s safe and as comfortable as possible. I just want you to have that support.”
If they are worried about what detox involves you can point them to Arrow Health’s detox and withdrawal program which is delivered within a registered private psychiatric hospital, with 24/7 nursing care, private rooms with ensuites, and psychiatric oversight. It’s not a clinical, impersonal experience. It’s designed to be comfortable, safe, and supported.
What to do if they say no
Resistance is normal and it doesn’t mean the conversation has failed. There are a few things worth keeping in mind.
People rarely make a decision in the moment a difficult conversation happens. The seed you plant today may take days or weeks to grow. The conversation you’re afraid to have is still worth having.
If they say they’re not ready, you can acknowledge that without abandoning the topic. “I hear you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m here when you’re ready.” This keeps the door open without creating an ultimatum that backs them into a corner.
Avoid issuing threats or conditions in the heat of the moment unless you’re genuinely prepared to follow through with them. Empty ultimatums erode trust and reduce the chances they will come to you when they’re ready.
It’s also totally okay to be honest about your limits. Loving someone through addiction doesn’t mean absorbing every consequence of it. Healthy boundaries and unconditional love are not opposites, you can hold both.
When the situation is urgent
If you’re concerned that your loved one is already in withdrawal or that they are attempting to stop on their own without medical support, it may be a situation that requires immediate medical attention.
Signs that home detox is becoming dangerous include seizures, severe tremors, confusion or disorientation, persistent vomiting, fever, or signs of psychological crisis. If any of these are present, call 000.
If the situation isn’t immediately life-threatening but you are worried about their safety, call the Arrow Health team directly on 03 9533 7888. Our intake team can help you understand the options and what the safest next step looks like for your specific situation.
You don’t have to do this alone
Families often carry this in silence for far longer than they should. The shame, the exhaustion, the fear that nobody else would understand. This is something that many families are navigating every day and support exists for you too, not just for your loved one.
Arrow Health’s family support program works with friends and families before, during, and after treatment. Learn to communicate more effectively, understand addiction, set boundaries that protect your own wellbeing, and be the kind of presence that helps.
If you’d like to talk to someone about what you’re going through, reach out to our team. We’re here to help you find a way forward at whatever stage you’re at.
Can you force someone into detox in Australia if they refuse?
In Victoria, a narrow legal provision does exist under the Severe Substances Dependence Treatment Act 2010, which allows for compulsory treatment in a declared treatment centre. However, the Victorian Department of Health is explicit about the threshold: this applies only to people with the most severe substance dependence who urgently require treatment to save their life or prevent serious damage to their health, where detention is the only available option and the person is incapable of making decisions about their own safety. Treatment under this Act is capped at 14 days and is considered the absolute last resort. You can read the full criteria on the Victorian Department of Health website.
For the vast majority of families, this pathway is not available or appropriate. What that means in practise is that you can’t make this decision for your loved one, and trying to force the issue often damages the trust that voluntary treatment depends on. .
What do I do if I bring up detox and they get angry or shut down?
Avoid escalating or pressing harder at that moment. Give it space. What matters is that you planted the seed and you did that without ultimatums and they know you’re there and not going anywhere. Many people who initially react with anger do come back to the conversation later. If you’re finding the cycle of attempts and shutdowns exhausting, speaking with a family counsellor can help you develop a more sustainable approach.
I’m worried they’ll hurt themselves trying to stop on their own. What do I do?
Is it enabling to keep supporting someone who won’t go to detox?
What if they’ve been to detox before and it didn’t work?
What’s the difference between detox and rehab, and does my loved one need both?
Medical detox manages the physical process of withdrawal safety. It stabilises the body, removes the immediate danger, and typically takes between 5 and 10 days depending on the substance and level of dependence. What it doesn’t do is address why a person was using in the first place (the underlying trauma, the anxiety, the patterns of thinking, and behaviour that drove the substance use).
Residential treatment is where that deeper work happens. At Arrow Health, medical detox transitions directly into the residential behaviour change program so there is no gap between physical stabilisation and therapeutic treatment. That continuity matters. The research consistently shows that detox alone without any follow-on treatment has very poor long-term outcomes.