🎙️Beyond the Noise: Episode 3

BEYOND THE NOISE FROM ARROWHEALTH
Podcast Transcript: Early Recovery – The First Eight Months
Featuring: Bec (Host), Josh (Co-host), and Cath (Guest)
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TOBY VO: This is Beyond the Noise from Arrow Health. Real voices, raw stories and the truth about addiction, recovery and life.

BEC: All right, so today, Josh and I are here with Cath, and I do love a good title. So this podcast is called Early Recovery the First Eight Months. So welcome, Cath.
CATH: Thanks, Bec. Thanks, Josh.
JOSH: Welcome.
BEC: And just for a bit of background, I suppose, Cath did an inpatient and day programme with us and she is now eight months into her recovery. And I thought it would be amazing to talk a little bit about your journey, I guess, reducing the stigma and showing people out there that, you know, recovery is possible and that there’s so many people out there going through different situations and events and there’s always a way to work around those things.
CATH: Thanks for the opportunity.
BEC: That is fi ne. So I guess we’ll get started. Tell us about Cath, like, you know, where you came from and how… how we’ve ended up here, what the journey’s been like.
CATH: Well, it’s definitely been colourful, I guess, for me. Like, I was first introduced to the Australian culture, I guess I would say, you know, there was heavy drinking environment around when I was growing up. I was pretty active in my sporting career, so that led in and tied in nicely with any of my social sort of outings. And I guess, you know, I’m not a shy, delicate wallflower, so I would love the opportunity to go out and connect and mingle and so forth. And then… so that was always paired up with, you know, parties and alcohol. My journey with substances probably kicked off when I was 16, 17 after a back injury, and I could no longer carry out my sport, one that I loved.
So, you know, I felt like I had a little bit of catching up to do as opposed to where my friends were. Like, my sport always grounded me before I got heavily into anything, really. But there was lots of exposure at that teenage sort of year. So I definitely identify as someone that my addiction was progressive. It wasn’t just instantly overnight, but where I can… where I was a person that never liked to sit in there and never felt comfortable in their own skin.
BEC: Yeah, right. Yeah.
CATH: So that led to me, I guess, seeking externally a lot of my whole life. And now I’ve got a little bit more of an understanding as to why my active addiction when I, you know… like, I had achieved a few things before, you know, slipping off when I couldn’t cope with too much life on life’s terms.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: You know, I built a house, I had a career, multiple careers across different sectors. And that was sort of probably kept in line with my personality of wanting to hop around.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: But fast forward through to Covid. And on top of that was magnified with a relationship breakdown. I turned to methamphetamine. On top of my alcoholism had increased. And that was the one way that I could push through to get through to function at work.
BEC: What was that moment where you’ve been drinking and the socially acceptable drug that we all know is so bad for us that led you to meth? Like, what moment was that?
CATH: I think when I think back on was one way that I knew that I could keep on drinking.
BEC: Yeah. Okay.
CATH: So alcohol was probably my crutch where it was always accessible when I couldn’t fulfil my duties of going to work. Like, if I started to feel like I was pulling back or, you know, starting to sleep in, I knew… or I felt that I could lean on methamphetamine for productivity. When I fi rst started to it, I could…
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: It took away all my problems. It made me feel whole. And then I could be productive on it as well.
BEC: And was it easy for you? Like, because I know people, you know, often separate alcohol and drugs and I see them as the same thing. So, you know, being a drinker, was it easy for you to access meth that first time? Like, you’ve just, you know, been drinking all this time and next thing you’ve just, like, levelled up and, you know, moved to meth?
CATH: Meth for me was always still around, even when, like, I’d already had some exposure to whether it be my friendship groups or professionally.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: I’d come across different people and different circles that, you know, you sort of felt or got the idea or the sense that there was extra. I was probably a little bit more inclined to… what was more socially acceptable in a lot more realms was cocaine. But my personality, I didn’t really… I never discriminated who was taking what, doing whatever. All having a good time. We’re all having a good time. But meth was… it wasn’t the most easiest thing to sneak out because it’s a little bit frowned upon to be sitting there, you know, not as socially acceptable to be sitting around. But then I found that my cycle, sorry, my circles weren’t as clean as what they were starting to mix.
So once I sort of dropped that level, then I was sort of more inclined to go and make sure that my drug dealer was okay.
BEC: Yeah, you gravitated to same, you know, towards where that, I guess that judgement was different. Because even though you’re an alcoholic, you know, is doing exactly the same thing, the opinion, somehow the judgement is there because you’re smoking meth. And that’s just, you know…
CATH: Yeah, I definitely, as a human being, I was still seeking connection. I just started going elsewhere where it was more where I was accepted as well.
BEC: Yeah. Yeah. Right. So what happened next?
CATH: What happened next? I came back to Melbourne after a relationship breakdown, so I moved to Perth and that’s, you know, I chased love to start there, but when that broke down, I felt like I needed to geographically relocate and to go back home and where my family were. And things only just got actually, like, worse for me there. And it was, yeah, significantly like, I guess I was just sort of looking to build up these other relationships and people that I could lean on, lots of emotional discomfort. And yeah. And then I started to seek familiar, I guess seek warmth in really cold places. Like I went back and got back with an ex partner that was my high school sweetheart at that point too. So I knew that he was drug dealing.
I knew that he had a little bit of issues with like gambling and stuff like that. But I really underestimated the ability of someone else’s life being able to really impact on me. And I guess at that point I didn’t see anything wrong with me dibbling and dabbling on a weekend, as long as my mortgage was paid, as long as I had all these things that I was still ticking off.
BEC: Ticking the boxes.
CATH: Ticking the boxes.
BEC: Yeah. Yeah, right. Yep.
CATH: So that relationship was key for me when that I was sort of thrown into a little bit of a lifestyle against my own will, I guess. But it was still… it was my choice, obviously to, you know, I’ve got to be accountable for who I went back to.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: But he owed a lot of money to a lot of different drug dealers. And one day, like, yeah, I got taken to that house on a basis that I was meeting a friend, but that… what happened in that place, like, changed my trajectory at that very morning time.
BEC: Yeah, right. That’s really shitty.
CATH: Yeah. Not ideal. Don’t ever go back.
BEC: Yeah, keep looking forward. Don’t go back. Keep looking forward. Yeah. And so this obviously traumatic event happens and then what next?
CATH: So then I was… I was still working full time at that point, but very quickly, like, I was sort of… the proposal was for my safety. It was to basically sort of step up and whether financially guarantee some money that could pay off his debt or… or, you know, get involved in the business of selling drugs. So that’s how I got involved in that side and I really did. I tried to try to do as much as I could but very quickly like the wheels, you know, they started falling off at work. That was another big thing because I did really love my career and I loved my work. But you know, it turns out that you can’t work full time and run bags of drugs at nighttime. So yeah, then I resigned from my job not long after that.
After I just started to become tardy, unreliable. I wasn’t able to present as what I normally would and I saved face and tapped out.
BEC: Were you aware of this at that time? Were you like you knew you had to but were you really aware of what was going on or was it just like, oh, you know what, I’m going to quit my job. Like I don’t need work, I’m doing this anyway.
CATH: At that point I was still thinking that I could still fi x my own problems. Yeah, I didn’t have any sort of like when I look back I definitely slipped and I probably like in retrospect should have been going back to seek treatment when I first got
back from Perth, but I found it was more accessible and more justifiable in my situation to not pay for a psychologist and budgeting an easy escape that’s worked for so long without actually thinking that my way of thinking was the problem.
BEC: Yeah, okay.
CATH: So yeah it was… I hadn’t acknowledged the severity at that point where I was at it was…
BEC: Just quitting your job. It wasn’t even that even though you loved your career that moment you weren’t like, no, this is a problem. Like I’m just doing this, I’ve got to do this and I’m doing it. So no awareness at that point there.
CATH: Was a sense that oh okay. But I just, I had every faith like I’d always sort of fought and bought, you know, and built myself back up at any sort of point.
BEC: Yeah, it’ll be okay. I totally get that. Yeah.
CATH: But at that point in time I hadn’t realised that I was, you know, I had slipped into an everyday drug habit that I didn’t understand.
BEC: Yeah. Just going along and doing it without any sort of reflection. Yeah, it’s really…
JOSH: So when did you realise…
CATH: Probably once I was, you know, my… I was actually starting to enjoy the fast paced lifestyle and I was really disconnecting away from my family and I’d previously like I’d never had family relationship issues. I guess with my mum and with my siblings. Right. But those relationships and I wasn’t present for my nephews and these were big key things for me. So when I was choosing my own solitude and my own drugs versus their connection, that was when I was a bit like, okay, I probably need to look here. But at that point I would just distract and avoid. Yeah.
JOSH: How long did the distracting and avoiding last?
CATH: It lasted for six years. Yeah. As I had in active and now I’m sort of…
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: Like I look back and like I just didn’t, I didn’t know how to sit in anything that was uncomfortable. And I was just starting to like, emotionally uncomfortable, I mean. And so I honestly thought my illness too, like when I was
really unwell, I thought I was out of sight and out of mind, like, you know, well, I’m just doing my own…
BEC: I’m not bothering anyone.
CATH: Not bothering anyone. Meanwhile, two years had gone past and I hadn’t even seen my own mother.
JOSH: Yeah.
CATH: Yeah.
CATH: So it wasn’t until I did have one… my sister called out to me one day and she was just like, you know, can you just check in with our mum? Like, she’s really stressed out about you just let her… she just wants to know you’re alive. And I think my response was like, I’m sending a message like a month ago.
BEC: Yeah, right.
CATH: You know. Yeah. So crazy to look back on.
BEC: Yeah. How it, how it just seeps into your life and takes over. Like, takes over everything.
CATH: What was the scariest was that, you know, I always prided myself of being like a pretty stand up citizen. But how adaptive I then became when the drugs were involved and the situations I was in and the harm that I caused as well. So, yeah, it was pretty scary to look back on how quickly that all unfolded. I was arrested five times in the last two years.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: And even that I was just… I had resigned to the fact that the lifestyle that I was running, I was like either gonna end up locked up or dead.
BEC: Had you ever been arrested before in your whole life? No, no. And these are the, this is what, these are the stories that I always like, they give me goosebumps. Cause I think people go along in their lives and think it’s never gonna be me. And I 100% know that would have been you. You never even would have contemplated, oh, one day, 100, one day I’m gonna be arrested. Like, and when you hear how quickly… and as a woman as well, it’s one of those things that you just… yeah, women aren’t thinking like that. You know, they’re having their glass of wine every night or their bottle of wine every night, and they’re not thinking…
CATH: 100% that could be them.
BEC: And that’s, I guess, what’s so important for people to know because it’s heartbreaking. That’s, you know, that’s where you got to.
CATH: That’s right. I was always, you know, like, I am that still that little girl inside or that person that had all those dreams, just as like every other regular person did. I would never have thought that my life path would have taken me to where it did. But, yeah, it can… it can happen to anyone.
BEC: Just with a sequence of events and decisions that weren’t necessarily bad to begin with. They were just… you were making decisions, you know, and that’s what we all do.
CATH: Yeah. Like, it’s… I love when Gabor Maté speaks about, you know, don’t look at the person. Like, look at the reason why…
BEC: Part of the reason.
CATH: That was definitely I could… I strongly related because at that point in time, my reality was too painful for me. And whether it was a cumulative sort of thing and, you know, I’ve… there was, you know, like, abuse has been a part of my story. Domestic violence has been a part of my story. But it was actually the emotional abandonment and the pain that I felt before that really kicked off in that cycle that was the most reason why I felt like I needed to escape. And I’d always been pretty confident and pretty capable of handling my own problems, but I think that was when I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how to connect out and reach out for and ask for help because I was too full of shame and guilt that I couldn’t do this on my own.
I felt like I had failed as an adult.
BEC: And do you think if you had have in some other world had been able just to reach out and go, I don’t know what I’m doing that could have changed like, that someone would have helped you and supported you, or do you think it still would have continued on down that path till you were able to say, I’ve got to go to treatment?
CATH: It’s so hard to sit there and say that, like, I’ve always had a real supportive family, so that help would have always been there.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: But I do think that I’m the kind of person that needed to have a little bit more of a chip down.
BEC: You weren’t ready. You weren’t… you were… you were on a… ultimately, on a mission, you ended up on a mission that you didn’t necessarily set out for, but you were on a mission and you needed to be ready. And I always say that if people aren’t ready, they’re not ready.
CATH: And I probably once I… in the last two years of my active addiction, I probably did notice and sit there and thought, because I actually felt cognitively that I couldn’t… actually, I couldn’t work and I couldn’t… wasn’t capable of going back. And just, you know, that was my normal. If I could work full nine to five, if I could sit there and provide and look after myself financially, then I would be okay.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: And I knew in the last two years I was, you know, I couldn’t run a house. I couldn’t… I would shower every day, but basically my whole environment was just destitution. It was just living in mess, chaos, and just… yeah, really heartbreaking to look back and sit there and know where I came from. And I could not look after myself.
BEC: And so you end up… you end up coming to treatment. I remember the day you arrived. You meet me. You meet Josh. What’s going on? What’s going on in your head, apart from your 500… 500 beauty products and…
CATH: And my hair. I want to get my bleach in touch up my regrowth.
BEC: Yeah. And we had to look at mum and go, you got to take these. Sorry.
CATH: Oh, bless you, angels.
BEC: And you were so… but you were just so beautiful when you came in. You were really bubbly and really positive. And I… part of me, I did feel bad. I’m like, I have to get rid of all this. Like, the poor love.
CATH: Like, you did negotiate. You were really lovely. You were like, how about we keep these? You know, I got to keep a few of my opened makeup items and stuff that… that the delightful Liv helped me sift through and sort out for me. But, yeah, I think I’d… I’d had enough. Like, there was a framed conversation before that with me, with my family, and they were like, you know, have you had enough? So I actually had a lot to do with picking Arrow, which was really good.
JOSH: So just before you get there, what was it that led to that conversation for you to come in? What was the turning point? You know, because you’d done this for six years, you know, so… but clearly had a conversation or something…
CATH: Where the pivotal thing for me was… I fell pregnant in active addiction. And at that point, yeah, I guess… cause I didn’t have any value for my own life at that point. But knowing that I wasn’t in the right space to, you know, even give that child any sort of stability or let alone a healthy, you know, I wasn’t a healthy factory. I hadn’t done my job from the start. And if I had have stayed with the, you know, with the… with the father, like, that would have been tying myself to another addict who was heavily a lot more involved in crime than what I was. And yeah, I just… yeah, that was the turning point. So having to go through that. And that’s where I look back on it now.
Had it not been for that little life to save my own, I wouldn’t have done it. I think I would have, you know, just sort of exhausted all avenues because I never knew once it got to a point where I was using every day, anything, that anytime there was a topic of conversation from family that would want to talk about their feelings or how my actions were harming them, I would just run and off I’d go and they wouldn’t know when I would be back again.
JOSH: Yeah.
CATH: So it was really hard for Mum. And even though I didn’t want to be causing that, I really hated the fact that was where I was. Who knows where I would have had to end up before that had I not fallen pregnant. But that was when I was the catalyst going, like, is this where you want to be? Like, if I… if that had happened, if anybody was healthy, I wouldn’t have had to go through that.
BEC: Would you say that’s the point where your using became more painful than the thought of getting better?
CATH: 100%.
BEC: Because you couldn’t escape the pregnancy and you couldn’t, you know, that whole situation. And so that was just a reminder every time you were using. So, because I always say that, you know, I say people haven’t had enough pain. People who haven’t had enough pain don’t get recovery because they’re not ready. That’s how it all works. And it goes into… I’ve talked about this before too, motivation theories and stuff. But once you’ve had enough pain, then using is painful. Yeah, yeah. And so that pregnancy made using painful. So you had to… then you needed to be motivated to move towards something else because that pain was unbearable. Would you? 100%. Yeah.
CATH: Right. Yeah, I would agree with that. And now I look back, like, anytime I’ve ever been making a change in my life, pain has always been the…
BEC: Biggest motivator because we move towards pleasure and away from pain. So in the beginning, using we’re moving towards the pleasure and away from
whatever pain this is. But then after we’ve destroyed our lives, the pleasure can only come from recovery. So we’re moving away from the pain of using to the pleasure of recovery.
CATH: Yeah. And I think what… I’d also had myself convinced as well that I wouldn’t be able to get… or I didn’t want to get clean because I thought I had to unearth everything that… everything bad that I had happened in a form of treatment. And it wasn’t until I got to treatment, then it was like, hey, we can do this thing called acceptance. And that’s when I think I heard that, and I was just like, I’m surrendered. Take me, I’m here.
BEC: Isn’t it incredible? Because that’s the scary thing is people think we need to unearth all these things. And you know what? There might be some merit to that for some people, somewhere, somehow, and in some places. But I think we often talk about that, don’t we, Josh? That we don’t need to. We can’t undo it. But, yeah, accepting it is such a long, you know, takes you such a long way to healing.
CATH: Yeah.
JOSH: I think there’s… there’s always these moments in time that contribute to us wanting to escape ourselves at all costs. I think where people get stuck is that they try to solve everything all at once instead of just building up evidence for yourself that you can get through really painful times, like being in recovery, early recovery, in order to go back to the thing that maybe contributed to you using in the first place, instead of just going into rehab and going back to that thing with… no, you’re not equipped to actually regulate or anything through that process.
BEC: You got to build up your toolbox. Like, you know, for you, like, now being eight months clean, you know, you’ve built… you’ve got a lot of tools in your toolbox. But if you ever do feel like you need to address certain things, that you have that resilience and those skills to do that. But the most important thing is to get yourself to a space where you can do it.
CATH: I felt really safe when I walked in there, and I knew I had to sort of, you know, really surrender into something. So that was, yeah, a huge part. Like, I was ready, I think, at that point to sit there and hear someone else come up with an idea that could help me.
BEC: I felt like that your journey, you were in it. You were just… you were in it. You know, there wasn’t a lot of… we didn’t have a lot of oh, my God, she wants to leave. Oh, my God. You were in it. You were just in it and you were doing it. You were exploring and you were, you know…
CATH: Well, I had to get really curious. And like, for me, it was getting really curious around why, you know, like, it’s not… it wasn’t a healthy version of me way of
coping. And I can’t say that I was ever… I never had a lack of love growing up. So it wasn’t like I didn’t know that. But how now it’s my responsibility as an adult to start looking at myself. Where was this? And I think, Josh, it was you that dropped the… like that I was avoidant.
JOSH: Avoidance can spot other avoidance.
CATH: Yeah, true.
BEC: I was just gonna say Josh can always spot an avoidant.
CATH: And I… and I just had this… I’m like, no, I had this real denial in my head. I was like, I handle things really head on. That’s not me at all. He’s like, well, you know, why don’t you take… start taking drugs or escaping my feelings? Just say, oh, you know, would you say that was in line with avoidance? And I was like, okay, now you’ve got me. But I was really grateful for those little, just little golden nuggets that were dropped every now and then that got me to think about.
And then what was really, what I found beneficial was that not only did I have the TC or the, you know, therapeutic community to sit there and support me through that, and we’re all getting curious at the same time, but then I had so many, like, I had a variety of lived experience workers. I had these amazing mental health nurses who I just think are just incredible human beings. But yeah, I was just getting really curious. And then once the time started ticking, because at that point I think I was even like 60 days into my 90 day stay and I was like, I don’t have long. I need to get real serious. Even though I wasn’t unserious, but I was just really… yeah, I just really wanted to get it. Give me every… I didn’t want to…
I didn’t end up in rehab by chance, so I really had to take it seriously while I was there.
BEC: Yeah, absolutely. What would you say were really hard? What was really hard for you when you came like, you know, you’ve been doing whatever you want, really ultimately, haven’t you? Doing whatever you want and then you come into rehab. Like, what was challenging for you? What… what was the hardest thing for you?
CATH: Well, I would probably say the things that popped up for me were like, I’ve never really liked authority. Let’s be real.
BEC: Can relate, can relate, can totally relate.
CATH: And it wasn’t like I did like, toe the line, you know. And I was a… in the community as well at one point, but I think, you know, I just sort of, you know, like, sometimes it was just tiring being in early recovery.
BEC: Right.
CATH: So we’re having, you know, got the bells. We’re going in here, we’re going here. And I was like, I’m being so productive and I’ve got this set up and whatever. And if there was someone else then wanting to tell me that I needed to be faster, I was like, come on. And yeah, I think I got an awareness for that. But in saying that too, it was an… and I just felt like that longevity…
BEC: Of being in there.
CATH: And I’m like, I was proud of myself for toeing the line and doing something for so long because that’s right. I’ve been running my own show my whole life.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: But I needed it. Like, I needed help. So I was always able to sort of bring it back. Like, these people are here to help me.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: It’s not a thing. But yeah, that would probably be like the longevity and just having to just get to know myself.
BEC: Yeah. And… and having the, you know, like, you… whilst you have autonomy…
CATH: Yeah.
BEC: There is a level. There’s some kind of authority in there where we’ve all got to… and we all do it, even the staff. Everyone’s got toe the line. And it is… I get it because that even when we talk about it, I still to this day get feelings of, like, just like when you’re saying someone’s telling you, and it’s sort of like, you know, like, it’s a real thing. Like, when you struggle with authority, it’s a thing. It is.
CATH: And like having to plan to shave my legs every, like, every single time. Like, come on. But I got it, you know, I understand why. But even when I was at that point and I’m like, isn’t it easier for everyone? But it’s not about me.
BEC: Right. It’s not about all the other everyone…
JOSH: Else being easier for the staff to be able to do. But there’s always, like, little things in this… you know, it’s part of, like, moving through the addiction process is being able to be teachable in the most little things, you know, and to be willing and surrender to the little things to the process and, like, what good…
CATH: Problems to have at that point in time.
BEC: They aren’t they good problems. They’re… but it is. It’s those things that people get so frustrated about, and they’re like, I’m leaving because I can’t shave my legs, and I want… but it’s… and… and they do leave. But it is. It’s all… there’s all there for a reason, because there’s stuff for you to sit with. There’s stuff for you to identify and work through. And yes, there’s things about safety and risk, but a lot of it is… there’s moments, like Josh said in all of those things that we find. So we don’t just do it and be like, yeah, that’s the rule. We’re like, okay, now we’ve put the rule in. We’re going to work with you on why you’re having such a problem with the rule.
CATH: Yeah. I think what I learned, too, and what I saw in my peers was like, the level of what everyone was able to sit through was their uncomfortable. Like, what’s uncomfortable for me to sit through wasn’t the same case for someone else. So that’s where it was… I found that it was really sort of good to have so many people to bounce off because, you know, there’d be a few, you know, just… it’s just how it works in the community. Like, come on, that’s really not that bad.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: You know, we could sort of help encourage or support each other through, like, those little things where it’s just like, that’s on a scale of zero to important, like, where that… where does that sit?
BEC: Yeah, right. Yeah. And what would you say was one? I don’t know. If you’ve got one thing, there might be a few that you can think of that you were like… that was pivotal. Like you were talking before, but, you know, like, was just like, it still sits with you now. Apart from being an avoidant.
CATH: I would say the group psychology, group psych was the first time for me that I had felt I was safe to actually start… you know, I was still very selective with what I dropped where.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: But that was the first place that… because people were opening up and being so vulnerable that I respected their vulnerability, that I would then in turn start to express myself openly as well. And I really, like what was pivotal for me was having those little… the trip to, like, the gym and… and the personal trainer that came in. Yeah, that for me just really got… allowed me a channel where I could just focus on… that’s what… that’s where I took out. And the gardens. Yeah, the gardens were pivotal, too. That’s where my avoidance played out, wasn’t it? In the garden.
BEC: I was always out and with the PT now.
CATH: Yeah, it was hot too. Hey, Luke, are you listening? Sorry.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: And I really… the support that I got from Max, like my counsellor Max was just… yeah. Something that was unparalleled to me. That sort of frequent check in where I knew it was the one place that I… well, it was one place as well. I promised myself to really be open about everything. As I said, I was a little bit selective in the community as to what and out of protection for everyone else too. Like I didn’t want to drop something and set someone else off with a trauma or so forth.
So having that counsellor one on one and then the ability to then start, you know, being a bit more open and vulnerable as time went on in the group psych and then just having an array of like the activities… it just really softened that process for me so I didn’t have to feel like I had to hold everything in anymore.
BEC: Yeah, I suppose you must have enjoyed it because you then decided you wanted to do after your 90 days do day program, which I thought was great. And why did you think so? You did your 90 days and you’re like, yeah, I need that little bit extra. What was that? Why did you think you needed that?
CATH: Well, to be honest, I was fearful of relapse. So after I’d finally got to myself and where I could actually feel comfortable in my own skin again and I was really enjoying the sanity like I started listening to what other people did before me and there was enough exposure when we had some in house H and I’s and so forth and that was sort of what a lot of people did. And we got to see the residents already ex residents that came back that were already doing their own day program and it was… it just sort of broke up the week anyway and just getting to know them a little bit more. So it was an extended, I guess to the peer sort of community. Yeah, yeah.
And I just asked them what they were doing and if they were still clean and they were sticking close to a program.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: And having felt so comfortable throughout my journey, I just, it was a no brainer for me.
BEC: Yeah. And you just felt you needed that extra time just to solidify everything you’d sort of learnt, I suppose.
CATH: Would that be 100%? I didn’t think… I knew I wasn’t playing with child’s fi re, you know, I took my using went to a level where, you know, I couldn’t get a day clean on the outside. So for me, coming into treatment and then if I wanted to stay clean and give myself the best opportunity to, it was just doing whatever I needed to do, and that was checking in with other people who had already paved the way or were still paving it.
BEC: Yeah. And I always find it pretty inspirational for the day program. I don’t know what you think, Josh, because you’re out there, you’re going to life and there’s that excitement to get back to life, but then you commit to, you know, coming from wherever you are to the program two days a week or three for some people. And I find that extra commitment always demonstrates the commitment you’ve got to yourself, because it is asking more of you. You know, rather than just going back and, you know, doing the stand, you know, whatever the standard plan everyone’s doing is, you’re saying, no, I’m going to come up here and I’m going to continue this. And I find that is really inspirational. Yeah.
CATH: Thanks, Bec. And because I… that was actually, like… I remember when I got my 90 day certificate, you know, and I actually was said to myself that morning, like, you know, I was so proud of myself because that was the very first act of self love to complete it. Because even though I didn’t want to tap out or anything like that, but there was still those obviously challenging my authority. And, you know, I would kind of think about it every now and then, but when I saw that out, I was really happy that I did. So then, you know, then I got a second one not long afterward. So, yeah, it was to really give myself a best chance. I’m really glad that I did at least, you know, minimum of six months to, you know, combat, you know, a meth addiction.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: So, yeah, it was the very first thing that I’ve done for myself and I’m really proud of, too.
BEC: Yeah, you should be. I mean, I’ve been talking a lot lately about, I think that people with a meth addiction need longer in treatment because things really don’t start to kick off till you’re in your second month. You know, your detox is really long. It’s really hard. There’s a lot going on in your brain. And it’s then when I hear things about people who have done six months that their recovery is so much more solid. And, you know, obviously people need… there needs to be more research and things to look into that. But I feel like it really does, you know, bed it all down and gives your brain a really good chance to regenerate and do what it’s gotta do to get better.
CATH: I think what stands out for me there too is like, yeah, I can see why. And it was one of your workshop, Josh workshops that you ran about the levels of
dopamine that gets dropped with… and this was in one of the information sessions. So methamphetamine drops a certain amount and then cocaine, but the levels between cocaine and ice were huge. And so that’s, you know, that reward system is definitely built and that neurological pathway is wired that if anything’s uncomfortable and I’m not feeling happy or if I want, that’s my… of course it’s going to be my easy answer. So, yeah, if that’s where I sort of would take in that would be in line with that 100%.
BEC: Yeah. Because those first couple of months is still readjusting and even beyond that, but even to a level where you can, you know, I guess make a productive decision rather than one based on a dysregulated nervous system. And yeah, hearing that, yeah, the six months, you know, and from… I mean, where are you now? I suppose, like you’ve done your day program, you’ve got eight months up. Like what’s been going on in the back in the world?
CATH: Yeah, look, I’m still taking it slow. I’m not gonna have another opportunity, I think, to lay down this foundation. So, you know, lapse isn’t or relapse isn’t a part of my journey so far. And I’m really grateful again for the family that I’ve got to allow me that space just to be. But you know, there’s times where I want to just sort of run back into, you know, getting going back into work. It’s the first time I’ve ever sort of started to look at part time or casual work as opposed to full time. I’ve had to navigate some challenges like that emotionally because I do want, you know, quick fixes and I want a lot done yesterday. But for me it’s like I just stay really connected and close to the meetings that were sort of exposed to while we’re in treatment.
And I just, I’m starting to do the step work that’s been really therapeutic for me to actually unearth why I wanted to pick up. So that’s what I’m sort of committed to, I guess for a little bit now. It’s just making sure I really connect with myself and take it slow.
BEC: And that’s what’s important, isn’t it connection with self and connection with others. You’ve done such an amazing job. Like you… you know, I always felt like you did commit. You commit. You walked in from the moment you walked in and I remember having a laugh and just, you know, just with all your things and I thought, you know, you were just in it. You were just here and it was like that’s what you were doing. And I never once was… I wasn’t concerned about you in terms of how you were going to go. It was just like, she’s here, she’s just… she’s… she’s here, you know, and that’s… would you say that’s how she showed up?
JOSH: Yeah, you definitely came in willing. You can tell that you came with this posture of like, becoming teachable doesn’t mean that you didn’t get your back up a lot of time. A lot of the time, because you got… you did get challenged, but your ability to kind of push through that, I think has really helped you and built a good foundation. Yeah, I mean, I’ve got to do a lot of work with you, which is great
to see. And the opportunity to see you come first day, they can see you through to the day program and get to see you now… here is such a big difference and you’re so much more confident. Your presence, like, you’ve always had, like a polarising presence, but you’re just a lot calmer and there’s a lot more peace you can tell in your heart.
So I think it’s really amazing. We’re blessed to have you in the program as well. Like, you’re a real leader, but I think, like, you allowed yourself to get challenged as well. So I think that was really important to your growth. I’m interested to see, like, how some of the, I guess some of the behaviours in your using, how they might have come up recently or in your early recovery, outside of obviously picking up any drugs or alcohol, what sort of things have come up for you where you’ve been like, okay, I need to step away from that.
CATH: Great question. Frappé KFC, snack boxes. 100%. Yeah. Food. I would also say, like a deep need for the closeness on an intimacy sort of level. So for me, I’ve had to work a lot on boundaries and working at looking at what that would look like for me. And impulsivity. So me having like a shiny or… yeah, so you see something shiny in this, in the sense where, you know, money would be available. That’s easier. That’s, you know, I would defi nitely sort of look to rush into that. I’ll still try and exercise the contact, but for me, I’ve got a really… yeah, really be mindful of those, like, the impulses myself.
But I do challenge that, like, if I stay in routine enough, and I do make a point of trying to surrender every single day, because that’s what I had to do in the program, then I’m able to realise that I’m not running my race. And that gives me a little bit more of a reprieve from being impulsive.
JOSH: The reason I asked the question is because a lot of the patterns were to do with relationships and like, you know, doing geographicals based on the relationship, prioritising the needs of your partner, which kind of led you into your using in the… like, your meth use, and then ultimately prioritising paying off his tick. Do you know what I mean? Like, that’s kind of what’s happened. So I’m interested to hear if… if that… if you’ve been drawn to that intimate sort of circle and wanting to rescue other people.
CATH: Yeah, yeah, I definitely have. Like, it’s been hard for me to, like, whilst I was in Arrow, I had to put an IVO against one of my ex partners and there is that sort of, I guess, well, you know, trying to work out what I… what pattern I was feeding back into. Whether it was the old cycle of, like, you know, is it me just wanting that, you know, that attention or that connection back from someone? That’s not healthy for me. But is it also the DV cycle? Is it… because that’s like, I could consider that now to be like a part of an emotional relapse where my brain’s trying and like, just create a way to go back and use. There’s so much work to have to do to understand what’s going on.
I’ve definitely, you know, found myself when I found out that ex partner, you know, his using had escalated and he’s got himself hospitalised. Like, I went and visited him when he called out for help and then I had to then, you know, come back and deal with the consequences and lean on my healthier supports. And then really then, like, taking inventory as to, like, oh, my God, I’ve just had to exert so many other people’s energy and my own and to cross a boundary that, like, why do I need to still keep on going back? So there’s been a lot… I can… yeah, definitely, it’s played out for me. But the one thing I’m just keeping consistent is I just always still keep on being honest about where I’m at.
I definitely sort of felt at one point like, you know, I’ve identified that I could probably definitely escape in someone else as well. So, you know, when I’m… I think it was another thing that I was… I’m grateful that I brought it up with you know, because I was… I was thinking I wanted to start, you know, maybe just testing the waters and the dating sort of aspect, but that was away from it. And it was like you shared an experience of someone that you knew that had sort of planned that and they… and you shared that they relapsed and you could see it happening because they weren’t, you know, sort of sitting to that. So by me being at least open and honest and connected and plugged into people, that and a program, I think…
BEC: Oh.
CATH: And being able to share that continuously, I can still get challenged and challenged in a way. Just like, just think about this, you know, this is what happened. So that for me has allowed… yeah. Has saved me, I guess, a few, several times.
JOSH: Yeah.
CATH: Because I will really take that back and think about it. But I have to be really like, if I didn’t end up in rehab for no reason, so I have to unlearn that I know best. So… yeah.
JOSH: Yeah. I think that’s an important message. Like, you don’t have to be perfect, but even when you get things wrong, you just got to be honest with yourself first and foremost and then your support system around you and still get back into that posture of being teachable, allow yourself to be challenged, reflect. I think that really helps with, like, early recovery. Like you mentioned it being slow. Like you’re taking your time with it. You know, if you just put yourself back out, then you’re not taking time. You’re just back into those old behaviours really quickly. But you’re not using, you know, so you can justify it all over again, you know. So I think that’s really awesome.
CATH: Thanks.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: Yeah. Because you can… I can… I can justify lots of things to myself. I’ve noticed that my way of thinking is definitely, you know, I can… you know, it was a… just for today reading that I read that, you know, just said to check in on someone who was struggling, another addict, and I can use that. And I’m like, okay, yep, no worries. I’ll make sure that’s okay.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: But, you know, but it… I think again, paying that motivator, like, had I not done that and had I not seen that and felt that these different bits and pieces safely. Like, I’m… I’m just really grateful that I’ve still stayed safe. But it hasn’t been when those things arise. And I think I get frustrated by the amount of work I have to do just to challenge any of my own thinking.
BEC: Yeah.
CATH: That I start to really run it past people now first and try and take it on board.
BEC: And I guess, too, it’s about, you can’t get complacent. But, I mean, that can be… you know, obviously we focus on addiction here because no one else is doing this work really. You know, in mental health they are. But you can’t get complacent because that’s when the mistakes happen and we go backwards and we’re not being accountable. And that’s the tiring bit, because there’s not a day off. There’s not a… there’s no… and sometimes being good is tiring. It is really tiring. And, you know, hundreds of people I see that, you know, thousands I’ve looked after. And it is. It’s tiring, but it’s… it’s the answer. It’s the answer to being better and not being in addiction. But it’s exhausting because sometimes you just wanna go, not today.
CATH: I literally said that, like, the other day to my auntie. I was like, I just… you know, and I did. And it’s emotional. Right. Sometimes, like, my emotions feel like they’re an exposed, raw nerve ending. And other days I can feel really consistent. And then some days, my days are consistently just up and down. And just learning to sit with that and knowing that it will pass has been a really big challenge. But the work that I have to do on those, even on the days that are good, just to sit there and not even take that. It’s a lot of work, but it’s a lot more rewarding than the work that I would put in when I was in active addiction.
And if I would have done it to get on, it only makes sense that I’ve got to do it to get off.
BEC: To get off. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think, you know, it’s very inspiring because you have worked hard and you keep putting one foot in front of the other and you keep doing it every day. And it’s been amazing that you’ve shared this with us. And I’m sure plenty of people are just listening now, being like, wow, you know, she’s gotten through that, and you’ve shown strength. And I think you gave… like Josh said, you gave a lot to us as well. Like, having you in the program has been great. And you know, you’ve always got a smile despite everything you’ve been through, you know, so it’s been an incredible journey. So thank you so much.
CATH: Thanks, Cath.
JOSH: Well done. Thank you so much.

TOBY VO: You’ve been listening to Beyond the Noise from Arrow Health. For help or more stories, visit arrowhealth.com.au.

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